Beautiful You

Day 15 – Beautiful You – Consider What Self-Acceptance Can Add to Your Life

Last night, John and I went to the Atlanta Braves’ home opener against the Chicago Cubs, our first real date night in a long time. This game was special because of our ties to both cities.

We both grew up Atlanta Braves fans – me in Alabama, him in Georgia. Three years ago, we moved to Chicago for his then-job with American Airlines at O’Hare Airport. While in Chicago, I worked in concessions at Wrigley Field and got to watch the Cubs go to and win their first World Series in 108 years. Some say I broke the long-standing curse, haha. Because of this, I have such a special place in my heart for the Cubs, but I am also a Braves fan. You can see where it might get tricky.

Either way, John and I decided that he would come to my job and we would walk to SunTrust Park because it’s only about 4 miles away. Four miles is nothing for us. We’ve walked from Evanston, IL to Chicago, IL before, about a half-marathon in itself.

We’ve all heard our parents lament about having to walk “uphill, both ways, in the snow, barefooted” before, right?

Well, it wasn’t snowing last night and thank goodness I had on a comfortable pair of shoes, but damn.

Walking from Powers Ferry Road to Windy Ridge Parkway to SunTrust Park is literally uphill both ways.

My body was not prepared for this.

When we got to the biggest hill near the stadium, John bounced ahead of me like the little unlimited stamina bunny he always is when it comes to anything steep, and behind him, I gasped for air and forced myself to think of anything else to distract myself from the burning in my thigh and calf muscles. He turned around and asked if I was going to make it. All I could do was nod and grunt.

There were moments I felt embarrassed because the thoughts rolling through my head were, oh my god, I am so out of shape / I have got to lose weight / I am holding John back / this must be so embarrassing for him.

But then I had this flashback of myself when I was this size before, trying to walk a half mile down a mostly flat street and having to stop because my legs and chest hurt too horribly to go any further and here I was, pushing myself up one huge hill after another. I only stopped when I had to, like with red lights. I made it up to that goddamn stadium without stopping to catch my breath.

I am really fucking strong.

That was the voice that emerged from them all. I mean, think about it. John only carried 150 pounds up those hills, I carried around 265 pounds. A whole 115 pounds more. How strong do my legs, lungs, and heart have to be to accomplish such a feat? If John wasn’t impressed, I sure as hell was when I thought about it once we arrived at the stadium.

I gasped for breath just as much fifty pounds lighter too, but this time I had more to carry.

And then we did it again on the way back from the stadium and even he was groaning and complaining of his legs and feet hurting.

I walked over 10 miles yesterday, mostly up some extremely steep hills.

It was so uncomfortable, but it was yet more proof that my body can do and does incredible things, and this is so much of what I am trying to focus on when my anxiety over my body size and shape tries to creep in.


Today: In your “Beautiful You” journal, consider what self-acceptance would give you if you decided to embrace the practice in your life. How would your life be different? In what ways do you need to see the world as more abundant? How do you begin today?

I think if I embraced the way I saw myself last night, with more admiration or even just acknowledgement, so much of my anxiety over my body, food, and how others perceive me would melt away. I have struggled to trust myself – body and mind – my whole life and have so heavily depended on the guidance of and validation from others, people who can only talk to me via their own experiences and knowledge of themselves. I have sought diet and nutrition advice from doctors, relationship advice from my friends and books, financial advice from friends and books and the internet, and even when everything in me is screaming to run the other way or is so aggravated with myself for allowing others to try to run my life, I have felt like they know something that I don’t and their perspective is more valid than my own.

If I lived in my body with more acceptance and grace, my life and everything in it would feel more like it was mine, like it belonged to me, and with that authority over it, I would feel more freedom to live like I want to live.

I have lived with such a sense of scarcity around love, affection, acceptance, and personal freedom my whole life. They have all felt like they need to be earned with some sort of grand performance of perfection. And if someone else is getting it, there is less to go around for me. It has gotten me caught up in comparing myself with others and feeling like shit because I can’t seem to measure up.

If I could shift to a sense of abundance and realize all of those things are around me and in me, I feel like the sense of competition would simmer down because there would be nothing to compete or fight over. (Of course, I also understand the privileges I have too, in that scarcity is a real thing for far too many people in this world.)

Walking out of the stadium last night with John’s fingers interlaced with mine, it hit me how much love is right here for me in my own life. I’m not alone. I’m not invisible. Instead, I have been blinded to it because of the fear, shame, and insecurities I’ve allowed to create my perspective on everything.

I am strong because my body can do great things, but I am also strong because my body and who I am have overcome amazingly hard things to get me here. Life doesn’t have to be all or nothing. My acceptance of myself doesn’t either. There’s no perfect way to do anything, just the way I was meant to do it, mistakes and all.

Beautiful You

Day 9 – Beautiful You – Consider What Your Words Are Really Saying

Danielle Koepe

I meant to post this yesterday, but wound up napping during the Iron Bowl (Roll Tide!) then again after dinner because I got very little sleep Friday night, so I didn’t get around to finishing it up. (I’m a light sleeper, John has a cold that has him stopped up and snoring like I don’t know what, and this is why we need to get the bed for our spare bedroom put together already so I can sleep there when I can’t sleep next to him.)

I went to bed about 9:30 or 10p last night and woke up at 4:45a and never could go back to sleep, so around 8a, I finally decided to just get up. I wound up having an idea that relates to this post, which you can read about on my Instagram page.

Onward to today’s writing prompt…


Today: As you begin to make Self-Appreciation Jar deposits for things you no longer want to be saying, take note of your words. What is it that you say about yourself? Why do you say it? What are your emotions when you say it?

Write it down in your “Beautiful You” journal, then consider what you are really saying. If “I am fat” is always coming to your lips, think those words through until you are holding some truth.

Are you unhappy with your weight because you would like to be more healthy – perhaps able to walk up stairs without losing your breath or get off a certain type of medication – or are you unhappy with your weight because it doesn’t meet a Hollywood standard of beauty?

By really examining the motivation behind your words, you can see the truth and act accordingly.

No, your eyes aren’t deceiving you and I didn’t get the numbering wrong.

As Rosie writes in the intro of the book, I skipped a day that didn’t really apply to me.

But it isn’t that it didn’t apply.

Day 8 was about creating a Self-Appreciation Jar and putting quarters in it for every critical thought to visualize how costly it is when we knock ourselves.

I have not done this because, well, I am unemployed and don’t have any extra change to toss into a jar. Also, with all of the thoughts that fly through my brain on a regular basis, there aren’t enough quarters or jars in the world to fill. Okay, maybe I just think that because I don’t realize once I started throwing money in, I might see how expensive these critical thoughts are and think, Hmm, maybe I should stop before it costs me everything.

Those expensive critical thoughts, however, go something like this:

I’m too fat.

I’m going to wind up having diabetes or dying of heart disease because I won’t lose weight.

I will never have a fulfilling life.

I am a boring, uninteresting person.

I am wasting my life.

I’m too lazy.

I’m not creative.

I am a failure.

I am stupid.

I will always be struggling financially.

John probably wishes he’d married someone else.

I am a burden and a drain.

I will never get my shit together.

Why do I say these things about myself?

Because I am constantly comparing myself to other people who seem to know what they’re doing and I come up short. I don’t know how to market myself or draw pretty graphics or write professionally or take beautiful photos. I keep settling for jobs that are emotionally draining because I keep chasing the feeling that being out of debt will make me feel better. (It does for a little bit, but like with losing weight without dealing with all of the emotional shit, it winds up being not enough when you haven’t really done the work to be smarter with your finances.) I look at other people my age and think they are so far “ahead” of me because they have good jobs, make enough money to enjoy doing things like travel without going into debt, and they own their own homes while I have none of those things at the moment.

Because I grew up in an environment where it was thought being mean and critical was the only way to teach someone to change their behavior and I carried those behaviors with me. I remember getting so angry at my dad because the only time he really paid attention to me as a kid was when I did something wrong and ignored me the rest of the time and his explanation was, “I figure when you’re behaving yourself and being quiet, it’s best to just leave you alone.” And now I pretty much do the same thing to myself and to John. I really struggle to bring light to the good in both myself and John and our marriage and tend to focus on what needs to be “fixed.”


How do I feel when I say those things?

Defeated. This morning, while trying to make myself sleepy enough to go back to sleep, I saw a post on Reddit that asked, “If you had killed yourself a year ago today, what would you have missed out on?”

Instead of answering that question, I thought instead back to 14 years ago when I had all but decided to kill myself after I finished college. I had so many of those same thoughts back then about my body (weighed what I weigh now but had zero cardiovascular endurance and walking more than to my car from my dorm made my whole body hurt), being a burden (this was around the time my mom told me I’d been one to her growing up), feeling so lazy and unambitious and like my college degree was a waste (I was so depressed I could barely function and just barely graduated), and I could not see my life ever being good. Everything hurt. Everything felt like shit.

I still feel like that sometimes, but when I think back to all I’ve done and all I’ve experienced in the past 14 years? Oh my god. Yeah, a lot of shitty stuff happened, but the good! I moved to Atlanta and started a life of my own. I met a man unlike any I grew up around whom I fell in love with and who loves me just as I am. I made such incredible friends. I now have a great relationship with my mom and my brothers and I are best friends and we love talking to each other and love the time we get to spend together. I’ve traveled places on my own. I’ve lived in a big city (Chicago makes Atlanta look like a small town). I’ve seen and played in snow (and lots of it)! I’ve read such great books and seen so much cool stuff and I’ve seen myself grow more and more into the person I wanted to be then but felt I never could.

Those thoughts are the “nothing” thoughts in my vicious all-or-nothing cycle. All I see are those words. Grace would tell me, “I am fat, but I am healthy and I feed myself nourishing food and move my body when I feel able to.”

I could apply “Yeah, but…” to just about anything.

The idea I had this morning instead of throwing quarters in a jar every time I have a critical thought about myself is a “How Did I Make Today A Day” list in my journal, on Evernote, or a scrap of paper. I am so much a “Today will be THE day” about eating healthier, exercising, saving money, not spending, looking for jobs, etc., and when I do something that feels like a mistake (eat ice cream for dinner, lie on the couch all day, buy something online or at Target, etc.), I send myself into a shame spiral and wind up on a quest to numb my feelings, which means binge eating or shopping with my credit card or whatever.

So on this note, I will write things like “Took Missy for a walk around the apartment complex,” “read a book outside on my settee,” “applied for one job/spent 30 minutes looking for jobs to apply for,” “uninstalled Ebates from my phone so I wouldn’t go online shopping out of boredom and buy something for the cash back,” and etc.

Social media, television, books, and more lead us to believe we live life on a rigid timeline. By 25, we’re supposed to be married. By 35, we are supposed to be established in a career. By 40, we should have two children. As a late bloomer who started her period a month before her 14th birthday while all of her friends started around their 10th and 11th birthdays and who didn’t get her first kiss or have sex for the first time til just prior to her 29th birthday, I know damn well there’s no real timeline.

There’s no one way to have a body.

Debt is not the worst thing in the world (though man, it must be nice to not have any).

NO ONE has their shit completely together because there’s really no such thing because no one is perfect.

EVERYONE is figuring things out as they go along.

What is meant to happen in my life will happen. Like Liz Gilbert says, my boat will not leave without me.


What am I really saying?

I want to lose weight because I want to feel lighter in my body. What I mean is, it is really hard to do the activities I want to do, like hike and run and cycle, with 270 pounds on my back, hips, and knees. It hurts. I have really fucking strong legs because they hold up this weight, but the weight causes me a lot of pain. Funny, but painful story: One time, John and I were hiking Kennesaw Mountain and when I jumped off a rock, my BELLY SLAPPED THE TOPS OF MY THIGHS. Like slapped so hard, John looked around thinking someone had fallen somewhere. I screamed from the sharp pain then started laughing and told John what happened.

I don’t want to be super skinny and know I will likely never be thin. I want to be able to do the activities I love without feeling so heavy and weighed down.

I want to be out of debt so the money I make is mine to do the things I want to do and so I can also help others. I am so tired of giving my money to these huge banks and credit card companies because I couldn’t afford what I wanted and had to borrow money from them. I am not a victim to them by any means. I am just tired of depending on them.

I want to be creative and smart and know how to market myself because I want to work for myself and be my own boss. I am tired of working for someone else and putting all of my efforts towards something I don’t ever really reap the benefits of. My last boss called us admins her “factory.” Cogs in the machine. I am tired of being the factory for someone else.

I keep getting myself stuck in the “I don’t know how” phase of each of these goals. I know the statistics to regarding weight loss, getting out of debt, and working for myself, and they all say failure is all but guaranteed. I want to stop seeing failure as a sign I shouldn’t bother trying. That there are no lessons to be learned in failure. That there is no success in failure when successful people fail more than anyone.

Being alive means there is a 100% chance of failure at some point, but that doesn’t mean I can’t or shouldn’t try. To not try is a failure in its own right.

I want to write down my daily steps in the direction of grace and compassion and accomplishments, not charge myself a fee for every negative thought because those charges will only feed further into the debt I feel myself in throughout every aspect of my life.

And if some days I don’t do anything at all because I couldn’t even get out of bed, I will write down, “I’m still here and that’s the most important gift of all.”

You can read all of my other posts from Rosie Molinary’s Beautiful You here.

Beautiful You

Day 5 – Beautiful You – Consider Your Vision

Confidence, vision, beautiful You, cycling, beach
Credit: Unsplash

Oops, got behind again. It has been a rough week. Our 10-year-old Jack Russell Missy had to have four more teeth pulled today, leaving her with a grand total of 16 remaining teeth of her original 42. She has lost 26 teeth since last year. The vet suggested it might be an autoimmune type deal where her body fights against her gums and teeth. I told John between this, her stomach issues, and her anxiety, she really is my dog.

The vet told us we are now in the “keep him comfortable” stage of our 15-year-old dachshund Louie’s life. He had a rough night last night. He couldn’t get comfortable on his bed and kept wandering around throughout the night. He normally only does this when John is at work, but he was restless even with him here last night. Because of this, neither John nor I slept very well last night and are both dragging today.

We are going to Savannah next week for a mini-beach vacation and for John’s sister Sara’s wedding, and it is starting to also feel like a “farewell to Louie” tour. I cried in the bathroom when we got home from the vet because we knew this was coming but now everything is beginning to happen in much faster motion, and it is all so sad.

Today is stressful too because it is Election Day and I live in Georgia, where we are dealing with good ol boy politics (aka racist) and a Secretary of State who is running the show while also being on the ballot for governor. I had to turn off the TV and radio because it is too much seeing all of the voter suppression and other tactics going on. I know I am privileged to be able to do so. I am also glad John and I voted last Wednesday with so much going on today.

On to today’s entry…


Today’s Question: In your “Beautiful You” journal, answer these questions. What is your vision for yourself? What do you wish or want for yourself? How is that different from who you are or where you are today? What do you think would make you feel more confident?

I picked the picture of a bike in the sunshine amongst palm trees to be the pic for this post for a reason.

I have two “happy places” in my mind that I go to when I need a break from reality. They are both at the beach.

One of them is in the timeshare my dad has in Destin. It is a small condo in a large building and it is along the inside corner so you can never tell for sure what time of day it is. And when the curtains are drawn and the lights are out? It is black out city. I imagine turning the lights off, closing the blinds, turning the AC down until the room is freezing, and getting under the warm covers and sleeping so long, I don’t even know what day it is when I wake up. I have done this before and it is glorious.

But the second one relates more to my vision of myself. I’ve written about this in a previous post.

In this one, I am riding my bike along a path that parallels a coastline. The sun is on my back, my hair is flying behind me, the ocean is beside me, and I have nowhere pressing to go. I am just coasting down this path, free to enjoy the day. My skin is warm and I am relaxed.

I either own my own business, like a bakery or bed and breakfast, and I am off for the day or on a break. I am my own boss, I am not worried about money or bills (not because I am wealthy or anything, just not as worried as I am now). I go home to my small home with John where we have all the windows open to let in the ocean air and sunshine. I have time to read, write, sit outside, and I have a nice open kitchen to cook and bake for John and me. (Not all at once, though, haha.)

When I envision my body, I do still sometimes see myself as thin, but really, I just want to be in good enough cardiovascular shape to ride a bike a long distance. I see myself as strong and flexible, what I mostly want to be, whatever that means for my size and weight.

The difference between that version of me and now is one, I’m not living on the beach, haha. I also don’t own my own business and don’t even know where to start in doing so. I am still stressed out about money, especially now as I am unemployed and my savings are rapidly dwindling. I don’t own a bike and know my endurance is definitely wavering after a long sedentary period of my life since returning to Atlanta from Chicago a year ago.

There is a lot in Chicago that semi relates to this vision of myself that I miss – the city being so walkable, near the lake, working at Starbucks where it was much more freeing and more laidback than the politics of working in an office, having my own schedule (or at least a very flexible one), and all the opportunities such a big city holds.

Atlanta doesn’t feel like a fit for me at all anymore after my experience in Chicago. It was perfect for me moving out of a small town in Alabama nine years ago, but I feel on to bigger and better things and don’t feel like Atlanta can provide that for me. And there’s no huge body of water within reasonable walking distance. I was in better physical shape as well from walking everywhere all the time (minus the really super cold, windy, rainy days which do last a long time in Chicago). Then again, I don’t actually live in Atlanta now, but in an isolated part of Marietta, so that might be part of it.

I feel like I am outgrowing so much of my current life and ways of thinking. This is a rational and good thing. I am forever for personal growth and change. And I realize – and was reminded today by a Medium article I read – that I will never “arrive” anywhere. There really is no set destination – not when I lose weight, get married, move somewhere, get a job, pay off my debt, buy a house, etc. – just the journey.

Right now, there is just a gap between current me and whoever I am meant to be next. I feel like the vision I have of myself – warm sunshine, cool ocean breeze, riding my bike, reading, baking, writing, etc. – is just me wanting a simple life. I know that can’t happen 100% of the time because life is shit at times, and it would breed stagnancy and boredom, but it is me wanting to find those moments of peace that I often overlook as I await the next major crisis, the next shoe to drop.

I want to feel present and at peace in my body too, no matter what it looks like. To be in-tune with my body that I can notice the warm sun on my skin, the cool breeze in my hair, the strength of my legs pedaling my bike, and to not be worried about my shirt riding up and showing my belly or if I look terrible to someone else while doing something I enjoy.

Trust would make me more confident. Trust in my body and self with my health, finances, and more. Speaking my vision and then trusting the process to make it happen. Trust in my marriage and in John.

Trust everything is happening as it should.

Trust is what separates me from my vision of myself, but there has been significant progress and growth in this area and there is more to come.