Soo, it’s been a few days. I have thought of giving up on this, as I always do, because I haven’t been able to do it “perfectly,” meaning every single day. This is my MO. I start something, miss a day or make a mistake, think it’s a total waste and I should just clear the slate and start over again. Except when you do that, no progress is made. I have to just jump back in and keep moving because life is moving no matter how many restarts I try to make.
I can see over and over again how much I need grace for myself, but giving up being a perfectionist is so freaking hard.
Today’s entry from Beautiful You is pretty timely as I’ve spent the day beating myself up about everything and convincing myself I’m a huge – physically and otherwise – disappointment to everyone, especially John.
I feel very lost and have no idea what is next for me. I am trying to trust that I am on the right path and everything is coming together, but I just feel like I am standing blindfolded in a pitch black room with zero idea of my surroundings and no way to get my bearings. It is so uncomfortable just sitting in this moment of great unknown and not trying to worry about my bills and lack of income and lack of job prospects and etc.
Today’s Prompt from Rosie Molinary’s book “Beautiful You”:
Give that voice a name – Sylvia, for example, or Agnes. And when she pipes up today, put her in her place.
“Agnes, I’m not listening to you.”
“Sylvia, you are so negative.”
And then spin her criticism on its head.
“Agnes, it doesn’t matter if I am skinny in your eyes. It matters whether or not I am healthy in mine.”
“Sylvia, my hair looks perfectly fine.”
Calling out your inner critic and changing her direction is a vital step in moving from negative self-image to positive.
I’m not sure what to do with this prompt. Naming my critical voice feels like giving it power but at the same time, it’s like, Well, you’re already here and it’s obvious you aren’t going anywhere so might as well make you official.
I actually wrote several blog posts way back in the beginning about my Critical Voice and Compassionate Voice. I have the critical voice that sounds like either my mom, my dad, or the other men in my family and the compassionate voice that leaned more towards my late maternal grandmother June. I think the “all” voice in my head is the critical one that shames me and the “nothing” voice is the doting, compassionate one that enables me.
I’m not sure where the healthy, middle-of-the-road voice is. I still haven’t found the gracious voice or the voice that is compassionate without allowing me to slack off. Or maybe I don’t totally understand either. I don’t know.
I thought about names for my inner critic since I last blogged. Linda is my mom’s name. I considered that. Not knowing if the name should be specific to my gender or not, I debated Charles or Charlie after my uncle who belittled me every chance he got, especially about my height, size, build, and weight. My mom almost named me both Amber and Amanda and I’ve never gotten along long with girls of either name so I considered those.
Right now, naming the voice feels cheesy and weird, so I will focus on just observing when that critical voice comes out and saying, “Hey, I am doing the best I can here, so could you please give me some slack?” I never felt comfortable saying that to those who criticized me growing up, but maybe I can give myself that boundary now?
I guess we will see.
You can read all of my other posts from Rosie Molinary’s Beautiful You here.