Oops, got behind again. It has been a rough week. Our 10-year-old Jack Russell Missy had to have four more teeth pulled today, leaving her with a grand total of 16 remaining teeth of her original 42. She has lost 26 teeth since last year. The vet suggested it might be an autoimmune type deal where her body fights against her gums and teeth. I told John between this, her stomach issues, and her anxiety, she really is my dog.
The vet told us we are now in the “keep him comfortable” stage of our 15-year-old dachshund Louie’s life. He had a rough night last night. He couldn’t get comfortable on his bed and kept wandering around throughout the night. He normally only does this when John is at work, but he was restless even with him here last night. Because of this, neither John nor I slept very well last night and are both dragging today.
We are going to Savannah next week for a mini-beach vacation and for John’s sister Sara’s wedding, and it is starting to also feel like a “farewell to Louie” tour. I cried in the bathroom when we got home from the vet because we knew this was coming but now everything is beginning to happen in much faster motion, and it is all so sad.
Today is stressful too because it is Election Day and I live in Georgia, where we are dealing with good ol boy politics (aka racist) and a Secretary of State who is running the show while also being on the ballot for governor. I had to turn off the TV and radio because it is too much seeing all of the voter suppression and other tactics going on. I know I am privileged to be able to do so. I am also glad John and I voted last Wednesday with so much going on today.
On to today’s entry…
Today’s Question: In your “Beautiful You” journal, answer these questions. What is your vision for yourself? What do you wish or want for yourself? How is that different from who you are or where you are today? What do you think would make you feel more confident?
I picked the picture of a bike in the sunshine amongst palm trees to be the pic for this post for a reason.
I have two “happy places” in my mind that I go to when I need a break from reality. They are both at the beach.
One of them is in the timeshare my dad has in Destin. It is a small condo in a large building and it is along the inside corner so you can never tell for sure what time of day it is. And when the curtains are drawn and the lights are out? It is black out city. I imagine turning the lights off, closing the blinds, turning the AC down until the room is freezing, and getting under the warm covers and sleeping so long, I don’t even know what day it is when I wake up. I have done this before and it is glorious.
But the second one relates more to my vision of myself. I’ve written about this in a previous post.
In this one, I am riding my bike along a path that parallels a coastline. The sun is on my back, my hair is flying behind me, the ocean is beside me, and I have nowhere pressing to go. I am just coasting down this path, free to enjoy the day. My skin is warm and I am relaxed.
I either own my own business, like a bakery or bed and breakfast, and I am off for the day or on a break. I am my own boss, I am not worried about money or bills (not because I am wealthy or anything, just not as worried as I am now). I go home to my small home with John where we have all the windows open to let in the ocean air and sunshine. I have time to read, write, sit outside, and I have a nice open kitchen to cook and bake for John and me. (Not all at once, though, haha.)
When I envision my body, I do still sometimes see myself as thin, but really, I just want to be in good enough cardiovascular shape to ride a bike a long distance. I see myself as strong and flexible, what I mostly want to be, whatever that means for my size and weight.
The difference between that version of me and now is one, I’m not living on the beach, haha. I also don’t own my own business and don’t even know where to start in doing so. I am still stressed out about money, especially now as I am unemployed and my savings are rapidly dwindling. I don’t own a bike and know my endurance is definitely wavering after a long sedentary period of my life since returning to Atlanta from Chicago a year ago.
There is a lot in Chicago that semi relates to this vision of myself that I miss – the city being so walkable, near the lake, working at Starbucks where it was much more freeing and more laidback than the politics of working in an office, having my own schedule (or at least a very flexible one), and all the opportunities such a big city holds.
Atlanta doesn’t feel like a fit for me at all anymore after my experience in Chicago. It was perfect for me moving out of a small town in Alabama nine years ago, but I feel on to bigger and better things and don’t feel like Atlanta can provide that for me. And there’s no huge body of water within reasonable walking distance. I was in better physical shape as well from walking everywhere all the time (minus the really super cold, windy, rainy days which do last a long time in Chicago). Then again, I don’t actually live in Atlanta now, but in an isolated part of Marietta, so that might be part of it.
I feel like I am outgrowing so much of my current life and ways of thinking. This is a rational and good thing. I am forever for personal growth and change. And I realize – and was reminded today by a Medium article I read – that I will never “arrive” anywhere. There really is no set destination – not when I lose weight, get married, move somewhere, get a job, pay off my debt, buy a house, etc. – just the journey.
Right now, there is just a gap between current me and whoever I am meant to be next. I feel like the vision I have of myself – warm sunshine, cool ocean breeze, riding my bike, reading, baking, writing, etc. – is just me wanting a simple life. I know that can’t happen 100% of the time because life is shit at times, and it would breed stagnancy and boredom, but it is me wanting to find those moments of peace that I often overlook as I await the next major crisis, the next shoe to drop.
I want to feel present and at peace in my body too, no matter what it looks like. To be in-tune with my body that I can notice the warm sun on my skin, the cool breeze in my hair, the strength of my legs pedaling my bike, and to not be worried about my shirt riding up and showing my belly or if I look terrible to someone else while doing something I enjoy.
Trust would make me more confident. Trust in my body and self with my health, finances, and more. Speaking my vision and then trusting the process to make it happen. Trust in my marriage and in John.
Trust everything is happening as it should.
Trust is what separates me from my vision of myself, but there has been significant progress and growth in this area and there is more to come.