Middle of Nowhere

The chill, quiet, solemnity, and darkness of winter feel more like a personal embodiment than a season for me this year.

I often feel nearly as dead as the trees and grass around me and as gloomy and sullen as the gray sky.

Occasionally the sun peeks out and there is a hint of blue and I feel lighter.

Those feel few and far between even here in Georgia when I thought I’d finally have sun again after two dark, damp, frigid winters in Chicago.

John and I went from a large, loud, bustling city to the woods in the middle of nowhere in southern Cobb County, Georgia.

I felt my shoulders lower and relax when we first stood outside our apartment and only heard the crunchy autumn leaves rustling at our feet, but too often, it feels too quiet and I ache for activity and to hear a voice besides my own.

I miss how walkable Chicago was but I don’t miss the whole apartment bouncing as big trucks going too fast down my narrow street rumbled past.

I miss my Starbucks job and my awesome coworkers. I miss having a job and being social even as draining as it can be. There is no “but” here.

My friends are all 25+ miles from me and can’t or would prefer not to drive outside I-285. I often don’t feel like driving in the traffic to get inside I-285.

John works nights, Friday through Monday, so it is often just the dogs and me.

I don’t have any money to do a whole lot and this depression/anxiety mix I am in drains me of any energy or motivation to get out during the day then leaves me wide awake, restless, and irritated at night.

I miss my brother Ben and his fianceé Sarah, but it is nice to be close to my brother Caleb again.

I have applied for about 30 jobs since we moved back to Georgia. I interviewed for one in November but haven’t heard back yet and don’t expect to. I have about 10 rejection emails in my inbox’s trash bin. I keep checking every day though even as I cringe at the idea of being an administrative assistant ever again. I mostly want the income to get out of debt.

I decided to reapply for Starbucks again tonight and chose the location next to Marietta Square so I can sit in or walk around the square on breaks or before/after work if I get hired.

Starbucks is a good company to work for and working part-time has its benefits. It is kinda nice sometimes to have a varied schedule and work with different people on different shifts. Hopefully they will let me be off or work early on the days John is off if I get hired.

I need to start working out again. Not just because I want to lose the 15 pounds I have gained since October but also because I want to feel strong and energetic and accomplished again. I spend too many days wondering what else I have to live for, as my life feels so void and meaningless. Feeling this way frightens me.

I so often think about trying new things like baking bread, knitting/sewing, learning calligraphy, new dance classes, writing articles or short stories, but find excuses not to bother. I have gotten a lot of reading done though. I have read nearly 6 of the original 7 Harry Potter books and nearly 42 books in total this year.

I know all of this – the depression, wandering, feeling stuck, unemployment, etc. – is just a season. I hope it all passes soon because I am tired of feeling like a nobody in the middle of nowhere with nothing to offer.

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